It’s been a rough day, I’ve been going back and forth with you about all these silly things that I know won’t matter tomorrow. I’m probably making myself paranoid and having these lame and unnecessary conversations in my head. There are so many lies going through my mind, I’m not sure which ones to filter out or perhaps I need to take a step further in analyzing in why I think this way. I try to picture myself with Jesus in those moments of when I began to first feel those things or receive those lies or make destructive vows over my life.
Let me put it this way, I really despise you because I know you are not of who I am suppose to be. Instead, I’m made into a person with the assumption that I could do more, be more and maybe…. just maybe lesser than what I should be. I’m not sure what this looks like in its entirely. Could I do more? Why are they so much better than me? Why do I feel like I’m not good enough no matter what I do? How can I be more pretty? Fix my crooked nose? Why am I always accused of faking my deafness or called a hypocrite instead of respected. Why I’m I never deaf enough according to some cultural standards despite my revolting experiences of discrimination and bullying? So many words flood through my mind of ALL of my insecurities.
But Abba says… “your insecurities are not of you. You are already perfect for I made you in my image. You were already adopted into my kingdom before I even made you in your mother’s womb. I gave you a heart full of dreams and passions and your desires are what drive you to building my Kingdom at best. I asked you to stand on your feet and shout my name for your heart is far more important than the languages you speak or the culture you’ve inherited. For my Kingdom is greater and far more advance than what’s been built since the fall of the Babel. Since Adam and Eve made a decision in which affected mankind, insecurities will always remain but it doesn’t make them anymore truer than the truth my Words proclaim. Anyone who claims to tell you otherwise, needs their own heart check as well. Don’t forget the beauty of your heartbeat because it beats with Me, my love.”
“Abba, I cry out to You like a small child, clinging to hope and desperation, for you are the anchor of my soul who knows every little detail including all the hairs on my head. For I shouldn’t worry about what other people think but embrace what I see in the mirror and not forget for Your beauty is within me. Thank You Abba, for the life you’ve given and enabling me to be a part of your Kingdom. For I have no fear as you walk with me and my love for you as my Father grows fonder and intimate than anything else for nothing can satisfy my soul except You.”
For my beloved calls me His daughter, with all His loving kindness, I no longer need to heed to the pointless and exhausting conversations in my head and my heart and my spirit is finally still.