Category: prayer

A letter to insecurity

Dear insecurity,

It’s been a rough day, I’ve been going back and forth with you about all these silly things that I know won’t matter tomorrow. I’m probably making myself paranoid and having these lame and unnecessary conversations in my head. There are so many lies going through my mind, I’m not sure which ones to filter out or perhaps I need to take a step further in analyzing in why I think this way. I try to picture myself with Jesus in those moments of when I began to first feel those things or receive those lies or make destructive vows over my life.

Let me put it this way, I really despise you because I know you are not of who I am suppose to be. Instead, I’m made into a person with the assumption that I could do more, be more and maybe…. just maybe lesser than what I should be. I’m not sure what this looks like in its entirely. Could I do more? Why are they so much better than me? Why do I feel like I’m not good enough no matter what I do? How can I be more pretty? Fix my crooked nose? Why am I always accused of faking my deafness or called a hypocrite instead of respected. Why I’m I never deaf enough according to some cultural standards despite my revolting experiences of discrimination and bullying?  So many words flood through my mind of ALL of my insecurities.

But Abba says… “your insecurities are not of you. You are already perfect for I made you in my image. You were already adopted into my kingdom before I even made you in your mother’s womb. I gave you a heart full of dreams and passions and your desires are what drive you to building my Kingdom at best. I asked you to stand on your feet and shout my name for your heart is far more important than the languages you speak or the culture you’ve inherited. For my Kingdom is greater and far more advance than what’s been built since the fall of the Babel. Since Adam and Eve made a decision in which affected mankind, insecurities will always remain but it doesn’t make them anymore truer than the truth my Words proclaim. Anyone who claims to tell you otherwise, needs their own heart check as well. Don’t forget the beauty of your heartbeat because it beats with Me, my love.”

“Abba, I cry out to You like a small child, clinging to hope and desperation, for you are the anchor of my soul who knows every little detail including all the hairs on my head. For I shouldn’t worry about what other people think but embrace what I see in the mirror and not forget for Your beauty is within me. Thank You Abba, for the life you’ve given and enabling me to be a part of your Kingdom. For I have no fear as you walk with me and my love for you as my Father grows fonder and intimate than anything else for nothing can satisfy my soul except You.”

For my beloved calls me His daughter, with all His loving kindness, I no longer need to heed to the pointless and exhausting conversations in my head and my heart and my spirit is finally still.

Words matter

 As I think about what to say in this post, I ponder my words carefully. I realize how easy it is to craft words but knowing how influential they are to society, is just as much as what God is expecting to hear from me. My words, I pray are from and to God and not my flesh.
This morning, we had announcements and one of them was about picking up a dresser. I suddenly became a little frustrated because I thought I would be responsible for finding an additional dresser for our room but suddenly someone else took charge. I began creating this silly conversation in my head of what to say. Pleading my case to make them understand how I felt about the situation. But then it hit me, where’s the humility? Where’s the gratitude? I’ve been sick for a few days after all, I should be grateful someone took over and helped me out while I was sick. It was in that moment, I began to realize how selfish I was. I still wish it was communicated instead of someone taking control. But I decided to let it go, it wasn’t worth building up anger over.
I also realized something else, my words really mattered at the moment. I had this conviction, no longer was it about me anymore. As I study the passage below, we no different and should not only care about what we say to others, or care what they say to us, but that we should care what we think of saying to God. Our thoughts are just as relevant as the words we speak.
I repent from thinking thoughts that do not honor God and I replace them with words of life and praise.
Matthew 15:1-20
Some Pharisees and teachers of religious law now arrived from Jerusalem to see Jesus. They asked him, “Why do your disciples disobey our age-old tradition? For they ignore our tradition of ceremonial hand washing before they eat.”
Jesus replied, “And why do you, by your traditions, violate the direct commandments of God? For instance, God says, ‘Honor your father and mother,’ and ‘Anyone who speaks disrespectfully of father or mother must be put to death.’ But you say it is all right for people to say to their parents, ‘Sorry, I can’t help you. For I have vowed to give to God what I would have given to you.’ 6In this way, you say they don’t need to honor their parents. And so you cancel the word of God for the sake of your own tradition. You hypocrites! Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you, for he wrote, ‘These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship is a farce, for they teach man-made ideas as commands from God.’” Then Jesus called to the crowd to come and hear.“Listen,” he said, “and try to understand. It’s not what goes into your mouth that defiles you; you are defiled by the words that come out of your mouth.” Then the disciples came to him and asked, “Do you realize you offended the Pharisees by what you just said?” Jesus replied, “Every plant not planted by my heavenly Father will be uprooted, so ignore them. They are blind guides leading the blind, and if one blind person guides another, they will both fall into a ditch.”
Then Peter said to Jesus, “Explain to us the parable that says people aren’t defiled by what they eat.” “Don’t you understand yet?” Jesus asked. “Anything you eat passes through the stomach and then goes into the sewer. But the words you speak come from the heart—that’s what defiles you. For from the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, all sexual immorality, theft, lying, and slander. These are what defile you. Eating with unwashed hands will never defile you.”

Making Jesus Lord in the Prayer Room

Youth With A Mission in DC is one of the most intense experiences. It’s also always a learning experience, especially in the prayer room. I not only work for the YWAM ASL team but I also work under Washington House of Prayer. Often we have corporate prayer meetings but it’s challenging because the ASL ministry isn’t leading. Because of that, it creates resistance and tension in the atmosphere when our team enters the room. 

One of the things I’ve been praying for breakthrough for awhile was this: how can I enter into a corporate prayer meeting as a model to simply be there serving God? How can I stop myself from caring about what others may be thinking when I walk in? Does it even matter what they think? Should I be continuously worried? How do I lay down my pride of my culture and not expect others to serve me first before I serve God?

The last question struck me a little hard this week as I’ve been reading, Making Jesus Lord by Loren Cunningham. It not only challenged me but I began to realize that even though I don’t consider myself to idolize my culture before myself, I do care about what man think in terms of it. I begin to follow them and lose myself to them rather than God. 

I’ve been evaluating the purpose of the prayer room this week. Why am I there? Because I need God to serve me, to heal me, to show me His throne room? Because I need to be holy through repentance? Because I need to worship God and let HIm know I think of HIm daily? 

I realized it’s so much than that being in the prayer room. I find myself ignoring my peers in the room and focusing on Jesus, serving Him and only Him. Yes, having an interpreter is beneficial because I begin to know what’s happening. But I should not limit God in the prayer room because of my hearing, or lack of accessibility to language. I don’t speak in tongues because I don’t know how, I don’t because I think I want to support my peers. The problem: I’m not serving God through this, therefore: I cannot serve my community to the fullest. 

I hate knowing I’ve missed opportunities to minister to God’s heart and hear His heart for me and my community. But slowly I will learn to give up my rights and simply follow the Holy Spirit, not man’s wants, needs or rights. I want my own pride to be broken. To to simply make Jesus Lord in the prayer room.

Blink of an eye: a new generation

DSC_0421Seems like forever since I last wrote, I was actually surprised how many people don’t have internet or wifi in their home as I discovered while traveling cross country this summer. The writer in me was getting a little creative after spending a lot of time talking to myself. Now that I’m back in D.C., I’m ready for another round of craziness (after a two week break). But first, I can’t go without sharing what’s been happening in the last two months about the B.E. and what God has been showing me about our generation. 

Before I left for the B.E. tour, I honestly tried to not set myself for high expectations. One of my greatest strength and weakest. I was at at least expecting to see God do amazing things and truth is, because of this, the trip was beyond my expectations and sometimes God surprised me. After 20+ performances for our hour-long drama, I saw God moving. Sometimes I was never sure. In some locations we stopped and performed at, people would laugh deliriously and I could hear it from behind the backdrop curtains. Other times, it was completely silent and once in awhile, I might hear a stifled laugh. I was never sure but I certainly hoped people were gaining insight through what God wanted to share with them.

I didn’t join this trip because I wanted to gain something amazing from this summer (I knew that would happen), but I went on the trip because I wanted to see God move. I wanted to see partnership within the deaf and hearing community and become a witness to something in our generation that I often feel is missing: hunger. Instead I see too many people focusing on the emptiness. As someone who knows what it’s like to grow up in the fatherless generation, emptiness and uncontentment which is sometimes all I see and feel. What our generation is lacking is hunger for the father. It’s almost normal to not have a father involved in people’s lives.

A few days ago, I read to To Own a Dragon by Donald Miller and it hit me, we not only live in a fatherless generation but we also don’t know what it’s like to be ‘Fathered.’ This is something I’m grasping on a personal level as God has been revealing Himself to me this year that He is my Father. But I’m still learning what it means to let Him father me in my life. But what does this mean for my generation who is searching high and low for a father’s love? 

At the end of most performances, there would be fellowship. We all had an opportunity to hear what God did in people’ hearts. For many, they were hit about their original identity and for some, they talked about what was missing in their lives. They were beginning to feel hunger pangs for something more than what they’ve been taught. 

My ongoing prayer:

Father, no matter what our generation looks like or is lacking, I pray You will be the one to not only fulfill their needs, but also show them more of who You are. Using the smallest part of their everyday lives. The next generation may suffer just as much, but at least they would know something is out there that is greater than what they world offers. I’m not afraid of what our generation is going through, but I’m afraid the hunger pangs will be satisfied by what they world may offer but it will never be enough or eternal. I long for people to be hunger for your everlasting love, especially from my generation where the fatherless are struggling to know You. Bring back the original meaning of marriage and families and teach us how to love as you love. This is a generation that is going to fight for what they know is rightfully theirs and won’t have to wait until heaven to receive it or realize they miss out on a beautiful journey on the other end. You know no bounds, yet gave your life for us.

Fill us with your love, in Jesus’ name.